COOL GUY: I’ve been out of town all summer. Anything new?
MAX BLACK: Anything new? Let’s see, well… Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private. Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there’s another Kardashian to not keep up with. Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California’s out for letting her students get it in. Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn’t run. Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that. Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checks our phones like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, and everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.